moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
