Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
