you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
