I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dicks are not precious.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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