Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
