i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
