I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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