Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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