I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
