I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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