I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
