1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Nicole vs. Life
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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