She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
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Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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