Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
