well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
