I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
