I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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