can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
