Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
