I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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