so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
