i think my tv is drunk
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
