Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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