I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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