Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
