The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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