Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
