the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
