I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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