I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize