I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
