I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
