I want to stick my p in your. b.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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