my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Actions speak louder than pants.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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