hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
