I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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