Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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