I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
