so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
