Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
