He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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