I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
