My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
