My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
