I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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