"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
