Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
