I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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