Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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