I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
