Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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