your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
