My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
