"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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