I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
