i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
