God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
no you cant smoke seaweed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
