Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
