I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
