Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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