textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
