hotel room ftw
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
