i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
