Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
